On Being Rounded Up
When you allow yourself to be rounded up, notice that your internal clock is running very fast.
You are paying for groceries when the cashier asks Would you like to round up for charity? Years ago, my answer was always a gracious yes. I didn't have to think twice because the money went to a food bank or a homeless shelter. I appreciated the opportunity to make routine small donations while shopping.
Over time, I’ve noticed that the charities receiving donations often are not those I would ordinarily support. Now, instead of automatically rounding up, I ask cashiers where is the money going? Donations that used to go to charities feeding the hungry are now being hijacked by social activist groups whose goals and values I question.
This past weekend, for example, when the cashier named the charity, I said no. In a friendly voice, the cashier replied, I guess I don’t know much about this group. I responded by anchoring my no, not in a distaste for charity, but in my expectation that a food store would support charities that help to feed families who need assistance.
The cashier pointed me to a wall poster showing a month-by-month breakdown of the charities receiving donations. A food bank was listed only for November. The cashier proudly reported that we rounded up $8000 for the food bank last November. I thought about the tens of thousands of dollars donated last year. How much money went to groups advocating for values and policies that some customers opposed? How often do customers round up because they are reluctant to say no when feeling social pressure?
As a society, have we lost the power to say no? Let’s use the term rounded up for any time you are hesitant about your yes, but you go along because of perceived social pressure. I’m not talking about saying yes to a family member or friend for a matter of importance to them. Sometimes, your yes is a good thing, but there are instances when it is not.
Are you being rounded up when your dental hygienist says it is time for your annual x-rays?
Are you being rounded up when the nurse in your doctor’s office says you are due for your flu shot?
You may hesitate to ask questions about the routine tests your doctor orders. When you do ask and get a vague explanation, you may let the conversation end.
In what circumstances is it difficult for you to say no? Do you assume orders are coming from experts? Do you fear being disliked? Are you surrendering bodily autonomy because you are concerned you will be seen as a difficult patient?
Actor Alan Alda shared a personal story about a dental encounter gone wrong. The dentist did not explain the potential complications of the procedure he was about to perform. He merely told Alda “There will be some tethering.” Alda went along. Later he understood the damage the dentist and his silence caused:
I should have had the wherewithal to say, “Put the knife down, let’s talk about this, help me understand what you’re going to do to my face." I didn’t and he cut this little tissue, the frenum, in between your gum and your upper lip. I was making a movie a couple weeks later and I was trying to smile and the cameraman said, "Why are you sneering?"… I still don’t know what tethering means. (The dentist) gave me a smile-ectomy in a way.
We’ve all been there. How can we avoid getting rounded up?
First, when you allow yourself to be rounded up, notice that your internal clock is running very fast. You feel pressured to answer quickly. Your internal clock will run even faster when you feel defensive. When someone expects you to say yes, slow down the action. Give yourself time to think and gain perspective.
You can slow time down by taking a breath. Ask a question even if it’s not fully formulated in your mind. If the other person gets defensive, don’t match their energy.
Next, connect with the humanity of the person you think is rounding you up. This sounds paradoxical, but it is not. The person who is rounding you up may be following an unquestioned routine. When the person seems to victimize you, you may feel defensive and withdraw from them. Instead, see them as human beings like yourself. When you do, you connect with Reality and with your genuine power. In Reality, we are all connected, so you lose your power when you disconnect. No wonder you say yes, when you mean no.
When you allow yourself to be rounded up, you choose to be a victim, and you feel puny. After the roundup, you may get angry and vow it won’t happen again. Because you are missing the point, it will probably happen again.
In Notebook 3 of Meditations, Marcus Aurelius reminds himself there is nothing “better in human life than justice, honesty, moderation, and courage.”
In Notebook 4, entry 11, Marcus reminds himself, “Don’t align your thinking with that of the man who’s dishonoring you. Don’t think as he wants you to think, but see things as they truly are.”
Marcus would advise: Don’t just get with the program!
In Notebook 4, entry 18, Marcus adds, “How much freedom is gained if a man ignores what his neighbor said or did or intended and considers only what he himself is doing and how to make his actions just and right, the kinds of things a good man would do!”
When we allow ourselves to be rounded up, we are not doing what a “good man would do.” A good person doesn’t support charities of questionable merit or undergo unnecessary medical procedures. Complying without considering your values hurts you and others. You make it easier for authoritarians to victimize others.
Relish each opportunity to apply your values, even at decision points that merely ask you to round up. Connecting with powerful virtues to take actions that are just and right will spill over into all areas of your life.
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This one has been a big trigger for me. This question at the check-out line always sounds like "are you a good person?" Frequently, the question is "Do you want to help kids with cancer?" and the organization is one that profits from doing medical research. I have very strong feelings about this and used to get internally enraged about being put in this position as I begrudgingly donated to organizations I felt preyed on collective compassion. Eventually, I tried saying like, "I do, but not like this" or "I prefer to help them in other ways." But, honestly, everything I tried to say felt weird because I felt defensive. I now just say a friendly, "No, thank you."
It's interesting to notice how uncomfortable it is to feel as though I'm being perceived as a "bad person." As someone who has been advocating for health freedom through a pandemic, I've had to confront this repeatedly. I grew up being a "pleaser" and was very well liked in my community until I started speaking up. At one point the police showed up at my house because someone had called to report us for allowing patients to come to their appointments without masks. And suddenly people on my town FB page had decided I was a quack and and antivaxxer and somehow also a Trump supporter and an antisemite (supporting health freedom somehow automatically made you all of these things). And of course, "dangerous". But the hardest part for me to swallow was being deemed uncaring. It was evil genius to conflate non-compliance with a lack of compassion.
I've had to do a lot of work around separating myself from what people think of me. I still do. I really struggle when I feel misunderstood in general, but being misunderstood as a jerk really sucks.
Thank you, Barry. My medical staff privileges were once suspended because I resisted getting a “Flu Shot“ as a mandatory requirement of Medical Staff participation. While an “exemption“ was possible, my request was promptly denied. This happened twice. Unfortunately, I resolved the issue by purchasing my own flu shots through a distributor and “gave myself“ a flu shot, in a semantic twist. Suffice it to say, these mandates were a result of potential economic consequences in reimbursement for medical services by the federal government. Nevertheless, it pains me greatly to having to protect my family with my “solution“. I was distraught enough to pen an opinion piece for publication:
https://fee.org/articles/the-feds-are-forcing-healthcare-workers-to-get-flu-shots-they-don-t-need/
To be clear, I am not anti-vaccination. However, I was surprised at the amount of backlash and general Internet criticism I received. Suspended twice- yet I have seen egregious indiscretions by medical colleagues within the walls of a hospital go essentially without consequences. This is now the life of “herded“ Physicians, who increasingly must forfeit personal and professional freedom to corporate interest and government coercion.