I finished the book. Nothing he says was any surprise to me at all; in fact I know he’s right.
While reading, though, I had so much stuff come up for me to deal with. It was almost overwhelming! Now I must collect the courage to do some apologizing to some people.
I really must thank you again for suggesting that book to me, so, thank you!
Thank you for this and so many other thoughtful essays that cover a plethora of topics. I look forward to your weekly emails, never knowing what theme or observation about human nature and society you will address. Your breadth and depth of knowledge make you a true scholar.
In my younger years, I was never a Robin Williams fan, but in my later years, I have watched several movies starring him. Despite myself, I have come away liking him more and more. This essay made me realize that perhaps it was the genuine kindness of the actor shown through his characters that has changed my opinion of him.
Personal responsibility is a common theme in your essays, This essay is a reminder that showing kindness is each individual's responsibility.
My favorite part : “Mistakes may call for correction, but Williams understood that they didn’t call for derision.“ . Correction is always kind when done without judgement and is extremely important to us as individuals and in society.
I feel like we’re living in a world where people are constantly expecting FALSE kindness. They often just want stuff, or for people to do things for them, or even for others to just take their bad feelings away.
The flipside then is people go out of their way to “be kind” to another, but they want thanks and recognition for doing so, or for the other to give in return.
The Williams story is an excellent example of real compassion.
I can’t help but cringe when I see someone write about kindness these days as it’s almost guaranteed to be the false type; but as usual, you’re the real deal Barry and are one of the few voices who speaks of the right, true meaning of these kinds of words. You’re like a Vernon Howard without the yelling (not that I’m bothered by his yelling!) :)
“ Dalrymple agrees that the “welfare state” is destructive, but he also believes the welfare state made the underclass “possible, not inevitable.” “An added ingredient,” he writes, “is obviously necessary.”
That “added ingredient,” Dalrymple believes, “is to be found in the realm of ideas” in other words, in the mindset of the underclass. “
I know for a fact that Dalrymple is correct.
If we could convince society and individuals alike of this fact, we could stop wasting so much time, effort and money on useless things and programs and instead spend it all on things that are actually fun or useful.
I have seriously offended a number of people when I told them I cured myself of my suicidal depression when I finally realized I was choosing to feel that way and I didn’t have to. That’s not to say it was easy; I had to give up all the advantages and excuses that came with being a deeply depressed person. But I tell you, it was worth it. My life might not appear special to an observer, but how I feel and see myself, my family and the world are drastically different than it was before.
Most people aren’t able to understand what I mean— and society will back up what they believe and not what I did.
It’s painful sometimes, but I know that I’m the more compassionate person when I see a person as able to free themselves opposed to the way society will see them forever trapped as a victim. Society will give them physical “help” (welfare) and plenty of pity and nice-sounding words, while I will tell them that they can just let the problem go and try to help them find the way to do so if they’re ready.
I like how you say my journey is universal. I agree! I am very much a regular person. I don’t have any special skills or access or much money. I’ve still got plenty to work on but life is much happier for me now.
I have not read that book, so I will hurry to do so. I read Fromm’s Art of Loving after you wrote about it and found it an excellent read, so I’m sure this book will also be worth the time. Thank you for the suggestion.
"...that allows us to choose between the voice that speaks for kindness and Love and the voice that speaks for our egoic selfishness."
I'm going to disagree just slightly in that I don't think of the two voices as either/or. It is essential, both for physical survival and mental health, to listen to and heed the voice of the ego. It guides us to stick up for ourselves when faced with unjust demands. It leads us to the self-respect and self-reliance which are necessary to have the excess resources, both tangible and psychological, which make charity to others possible.
"Smith didn’t invoke religion to construct his theory of the 'impartial spectator,' but many have other names for the 'still, small voice.'” I appreciate that you write these columns in a religion-neutral manner. I happen not to be a theist; my view is that man creates God, not the reverse, and I tend to see red whenever someone pompously and piously pronounces that only believers in God can be moral individuals.
Thanks for this very touching Robin Williams story and the loving qualities it highlights.
Whenever I taught a leadership workshop or class, your point inevitably came up in some form. Wouldn't I be a marshmallow without my ego?
True; a self-concept is necessary to function in the world. But the more you tune into your ego's narrative, the more you see how dysfunctional it is. When faced with a real issue, the ego will almost always overreact or underreact.
When our mind stills, it knows the appropriate action. That's why the most egoless individuals can accomplish prodigious amounts of work. Their mental bandwidth is not being taken away with tedious rehearsals of what does this mean for "me."
When Emerson wrote of self-reliance, he was not talking about relying on the cartoonish voice in our head.
My answer in class is much longer because it is an important question.
Another excellent article! It sure speaks to me, as I'm way too often guided by my own self-pitying, enlarged ego which obscures my view of others in need in this world. Claiming to be a Loner, I excuse my antisocial behavior. However, I know it's not the best way to live. Robin Williams was an excellent actor, and it's nice to know he lived a life of kindness as well. What a great role model! As you discuss, I am an "overthinker"; and we know where this usually leads us. I need to look OUT, rather than IN, to see the world and its inhabitants and to expand my horizons.
Thanks, Barbara. If you can maintain that self-awareness without judging yourself, you will find you will begin to pivot without conscious effort. The key is no judgment. Judgment brings the ego right back to center stage.
A man able to comfort others amid his own troubles... Respect!
I finished the book. Nothing he says was any surprise to me at all; in fact I know he’s right.
While reading, though, I had so much stuff come up for me to deal with. It was almost overwhelming! Now I must collect the courage to do some apologizing to some people.
I really must thank you again for suggesting that book to me, so, thank you!
You are very welcome, Amanda! The path that Warner point us toward is a lifetime's journey, so remember to be gentle with yourself.
Thank you for this and so many other thoughtful essays that cover a plethora of topics. I look forward to your weekly emails, never knowing what theme or observation about human nature and society you will address. Your breadth and depth of knowledge make you a true scholar.
In my younger years, I was never a Robin Williams fan, but in my later years, I have watched several movies starring him. Despite myself, I have come away liking him more and more. This essay made me realize that perhaps it was the genuine kindness of the actor shown through his characters that has changed my opinion of him.
Personal responsibility is a common theme in your essays, This essay is a reminder that showing kindness is each individual's responsibility.
Thank you.
Stephen, I greatly appreciate your kind review! Thank you.
My favorite part : “Mistakes may call for correction, but Williams understood that they didn’t call for derision.“ . Correction is always kind when done without judgement and is extremely important to us as individuals and in society.
I feel like we’re living in a world where people are constantly expecting FALSE kindness. They often just want stuff, or for people to do things for them, or even for others to just take their bad feelings away.
The flipside then is people go out of their way to “be kind” to another, but they want thanks and recognition for doing so, or for the other to give in return.
The Williams story is an excellent example of real compassion.
I can’t help but cringe when I see someone write about kindness these days as it’s almost guaranteed to be the false type; but as usual, you’re the real deal Barry and are one of the few voices who speaks of the right, true meaning of these kinds of words. You’re like a Vernon Howard without the yelling (not that I’m bothered by his yelling!) :)
Thank you for sharing!
Amanda, I was touched by your generous review of my work.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Your point is an important one. When we forget what you are pointing to we can dehumanize others.
You might enjoy this essay from my archives that tells the story of one Dr. on the frontlines of poverty and his observations: https://fee.org/articles/responsibility-is-the-antidote-to-the-poverty-mindset/
“ Dalrymple agrees that the “welfare state” is destructive, but he also believes the welfare state made the underclass “possible, not inevitable.” “An added ingredient,” he writes, “is obviously necessary.”
That “added ingredient,” Dalrymple believes, “is to be found in the realm of ideas” in other words, in the mindset of the underclass. “
I know for a fact that Dalrymple is correct.
If we could convince society and individuals alike of this fact, we could stop wasting so much time, effort and money on useless things and programs and instead spend it all on things that are actually fun or useful.
I have seriously offended a number of people when I told them I cured myself of my suicidal depression when I finally realized I was choosing to feel that way and I didn’t have to. That’s not to say it was easy; I had to give up all the advantages and excuses that came with being a deeply depressed person. But I tell you, it was worth it. My life might not appear special to an observer, but how I feel and see myself, my family and the world are drastically different than it was before.
Most people aren’t able to understand what I mean— and society will back up what they believe and not what I did.
It’s painful sometimes, but I know that I’m the more compassionate person when I see a person as able to free themselves opposed to the way society will see them forever trapped as a victim. Society will give them physical “help” (welfare) and plenty of pity and nice-sounding words, while I will tell them that they can just let the problem go and try to help them find the way to do so if they’re ready.
It’s a tough sell, but it’s the only way.
"I had to give up all the advantages and excuses that came with being a deeply depressed person." Thanks for sharing your powerful testimony.
Your journey is universal. We all have a story that contains advantages but creates misery and only each of us can surrender our story
Do you know the work of philospher C. Terry Warner, founder of the Arbinger Institute? His book, Bonds that Make us Free is a powerful book on the issue of self-deception. https://www.amazon.com/Bonds-that-Make-Free-Relationships/dp/1629722154
I like how you say my journey is universal. I agree! I am very much a regular person. I don’t have any special skills or access or much money. I’ve still got plenty to work on but life is much happier for me now.
I have not read that book, so I will hurry to do so. I read Fromm’s Art of Loving after you wrote about it and found it an excellent read, so I’m sure this book will also be worth the time. Thank you for the suggestion.
Warner's book is one of those rare books worth returning to many times. I hope you enjoy.
"...that allows us to choose between the voice that speaks for kindness and Love and the voice that speaks for our egoic selfishness."
I'm going to disagree just slightly in that I don't think of the two voices as either/or. It is essential, both for physical survival and mental health, to listen to and heed the voice of the ego. It guides us to stick up for ourselves when faced with unjust demands. It leads us to the self-respect and self-reliance which are necessary to have the excess resources, both tangible and psychological, which make charity to others possible.
"Smith didn’t invoke religion to construct his theory of the 'impartial spectator,' but many have other names for the 'still, small voice.'” I appreciate that you write these columns in a religion-neutral manner. I happen not to be a theist; my view is that man creates God, not the reverse, and I tend to see red whenever someone pompously and piously pronounces that only believers in God can be moral individuals.
Thanks for this very touching Robin Williams story and the loving qualities it highlights.
JdL, Thanks for adding your thoughtful insights.
Whenever I taught a leadership workshop or class, your point inevitably came up in some form. Wouldn't I be a marshmallow without my ego?
True; a self-concept is necessary to function in the world. But the more you tune into your ego's narrative, the more you see how dysfunctional it is. When faced with a real issue, the ego will almost always overreact or underreact.
When our mind stills, it knows the appropriate action. That's why the most egoless individuals can accomplish prodigious amounts of work. Their mental bandwidth is not being taken away with tedious rehearsals of what does this mean for "me."
When Emerson wrote of self-reliance, he was not talking about relying on the cartoonish voice in our head.
My answer in class is much longer because it is an important question.
Another excellent article! It sure speaks to me, as I'm way too often guided by my own self-pitying, enlarged ego which obscures my view of others in need in this world. Claiming to be a Loner, I excuse my antisocial behavior. However, I know it's not the best way to live. Robin Williams was an excellent actor, and it's nice to know he lived a life of kindness as well. What a great role model! As you discuss, I am an "overthinker"; and we know where this usually leads us. I need to look OUT, rather than IN, to see the world and its inhabitants and to expand my horizons.
Thanks, Barbara. If you can maintain that self-awareness without judging yourself, you will find you will begin to pivot without conscious effort. The key is no judgment. Judgment brings the ego right back to center stage.
You are very kind, Diane! Thank you.