We "feel pressured to live by, a troublesome set of ideas about how to use our limited time, all of which are pretty much guaranteed to make things worse."
"Otherwise – and believe me, I’ve been there – you’re merely the kind of person who spends your life drawing up plans for how you’re going to become a different kind of person later on. This will sometimes garner you the admiration of others, since it can look from the outside like you’re busily making improvements. But it isn’t the same at all.
So you just do the thing, once, with absolutely no guarantee you’ll ever manage to do it again. But then perhaps you find that you do do it again, the next day, or a few days later, and maybe again, and again..."
describes a trap I easily find myself falling into, wherein I'm always reading the next self-help book on my list or going to the next therapy appointment, always looking for the blinding flash of insight or magic key that will suddenly not only explain why I am the way I am and do the things I do, but cause my behavior to automatically change in response. The constant analysis and the feeling that the crucial piece of knowledge that will change me is always just another book or therapy session away: they're defenses that allow me to convince myself that I'm making an effort to self-improve without having to do the difficult, uncomfortable work of monitoring myself so that I'm aware of it when my default reaction to something is maladaptive and then choosing to react differently.
Let me add a pointer since I am aware too of the trap you describe. I suspect many are aware since Burkeman sell a lot of books.
The part of our mind seeking the insight, with urgency, is often the part of our mind that will never change. The seeking is a defense mechanism against change.
I am NOT saying the reading and study is useless. Hardly. An intellectual understanding is helpful; it gets us to the bus stop. We are not in charge of the bus schedule, however.
Reality is kind; it knows we would probably terrified if we were abruptly hurled into Reality.
So we are in a process that helps us over time choose our right mind more often.
And as you say, the work is awareness of what we are up to. And then making a different choice.
OK you should probably skip this since it doesn't touch on the serious issues your essay discusses - but - while I get Joanne's wanting to think a bit about converting before committing, I don't understand why someone as (apparently) uninterested in spiritual matters needs to think for very long. Personally, I think there are two reasons to convert - if you truly believe or at least are so drawn to a belief or way of life that resonates so deeply with you that you need to bind yourself to it even if you don't understand why, or - if you don't really care, but have another good reason to do so. Joanne sees the first and knows she does not (yet perhaps) truly believe, and I guess is concerned that the longing/resonance/stuckness she feels is "just" because she loves Noah and likes/is drawn to his world, so not a genuine religious calling (I kind of agree but who knows where the show will go). She seems completely oblivious to the second option - "I'm not a believer and I may never believe but I adore this man" and, as she told him, "I would do anything for you." What the heck is the hold up, Joanne? You're a smart girl. You're going to walk away from the love of your life not because you are opposed, or because you're already on a different spiritual path (she clearly is not - she feels about as religiously indifferent as the rest of her family), but because...you don't hear birdies singing and music playing when you contemplate agreeing to something your sweetheart most earnestly needs you to do if you're to stay together? YES I am way too worried they won't send up together - can't wait until the next season.
I'm pretty sure the screenwriters will keep them together. But first they want her to be a good example because Joanne wants to be a good example. Not so much a good example of a practicing Jew but a good example of the kind, compassionate person Noah loves.
One of the things that made the show so popular was that any conflict was quickly resolved in each episode, except for the one cliffhanger.
Beautiful and beautifully written insights!
Thank you, CELESTRA.
Your quote from Burkeman,,
"Otherwise – and believe me, I’ve been there – you’re merely the kind of person who spends your life drawing up plans for how you’re going to become a different kind of person later on. This will sometimes garner you the admiration of others, since it can look from the outside like you’re busily making improvements. But it isn’t the same at all.
So you just do the thing, once, with absolutely no guarantee you’ll ever manage to do it again. But then perhaps you find that you do do it again, the next day, or a few days later, and maybe again, and again..."
describes a trap I easily find myself falling into, wherein I'm always reading the next self-help book on my list or going to the next therapy appointment, always looking for the blinding flash of insight or magic key that will suddenly not only explain why I am the way I am and do the things I do, but cause my behavior to automatically change in response. The constant analysis and the feeling that the crucial piece of knowledge that will change me is always just another book or therapy session away: they're defenses that allow me to convince myself that I'm making an effort to self-improve without having to do the difficult, uncomfortable work of monitoring myself so that I'm aware of it when my default reaction to something is maladaptive and then choosing to react differently.
Thank you for adding your wisdom. You get an A+!
Let me add a pointer since I am aware too of the trap you describe. I suspect many are aware since Burkeman sell a lot of books.
The part of our mind seeking the insight, with urgency, is often the part of our mind that will never change. The seeking is a defense mechanism against change.
I am NOT saying the reading and study is useless. Hardly. An intellectual understanding is helpful; it gets us to the bus stop. We are not in charge of the bus schedule, however.
Reality is kind; it knows we would probably terrified if we were abruptly hurled into Reality.
So we are in a process that helps us over time choose our right mind more often.
And as you say, the work is awareness of what we are up to. And then making a different choice.
So much I love here! Looking forward to all these books! Thanks so much Prof Brownstein.
OK you should probably skip this since it doesn't touch on the serious issues your essay discusses - but - while I get Joanne's wanting to think a bit about converting before committing, I don't understand why someone as (apparently) uninterested in spiritual matters needs to think for very long. Personally, I think there are two reasons to convert - if you truly believe or at least are so drawn to a belief or way of life that resonates so deeply with you that you need to bind yourself to it even if you don't understand why, or - if you don't really care, but have another good reason to do so. Joanne sees the first and knows she does not (yet perhaps) truly believe, and I guess is concerned that the longing/resonance/stuckness she feels is "just" because she loves Noah and likes/is drawn to his world, so not a genuine religious calling (I kind of agree but who knows where the show will go). She seems completely oblivious to the second option - "I'm not a believer and I may never believe but I adore this man" and, as she told him, "I would do anything for you." What the heck is the hold up, Joanne? You're a smart girl. You're going to walk away from the love of your life not because you are opposed, or because you're already on a different spiritual path (she clearly is not - she feels about as religiously indifferent as the rest of her family), but because...you don't hear birdies singing and music playing when you contemplate agreeing to something your sweetheart most earnestly needs you to do if you're to stay together? YES I am way too worried they won't send up together - can't wait until the next season.
Not to worry, Betsy.
I'm pretty sure the screenwriters will keep them together. But first they want her to be a good example because Joanne wants to be a good example. Not so much a good example of a practicing Jew but a good example of the kind, compassionate person Noah loves.
One of the things that made the show so popular was that any conflict was quickly resolved in each episode, except for the one cliffhanger.