Are Our Grievances Fantasies?

Memory “isn’t just an act of retrieval, but of reconstruction.”

Larry David is back with a final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

As always, the show doesn’t lack grievances.

As always, our lives don’t lack grievances.

Not long after the first episode of the season was broadcast Sunday night, I was formulating a grievance about a show about grievances. I was looking forward to talking to my son (also a Curb fan) about how mediocre I thought the episode was. My completely optional opinion about nothing became more important the more I thought about it.

Next week in Mindset Shifts U, we cover Notebook 4 of Meditations. In it, Marcus admonishes himself, “Make sure that among the truths into which you’ll be dipping you have the following two perfectly available for reference: first, that the things of the world cannot affect the soul; they lie inert outside it, and only internal beliefs can disturb it.”

Applying the truths Marcus pointed to, if I was in any way disturbed by an episode of Curb, it was because I chose to be disturbed. A trivial example, perhaps, but a theme in Meditations is that our reactions in the present moment shape our lives.

We can learn significant lessons from the mundane by noticing how small and large grievances hijack our bandwidth.

A version of the following essay was originally published at Intellectual Takeout.

Consider this. You wake from a restless night’s sleep. You find yourself thinking about your 2:00 p.m. meeting. A colleague with whom past interactions have been difficult will be there. You vividly remember his sarcastic putdown of your idea for a new marketing campaign. Standing in the shower, you silently rehearse how you will respond to him today.

Bad feelings toward a colleague may be just one of our grievances. Most of us carry around at least a few grievances. We hold some grievances short-term; others are long-standing. Events of the day may shake one’s confidence, and memories of belittling comments made by a parent might arise. One person may wish she’d developed her artistic talent, but the discouraging words of a teacher ring in her ears. Another remembers a past romantic relationship; memories assure him he had been badly treated.

Memories of grievances run through our minds with a chorus that usually goes like this: Why did they treat me that way? I deserved better. Carrying grievances is like going through the day, dragging a bag of rocks, and then wondering why we are stooped over, dispirited, and exhausted.

Dragging a bag of grievances may be so habitual that when somebody suggests that we drop the rocks, we wonder, What are they talking about?

We are certain we are responding appropriately to what life has dished up. But, what if memories are not accurate?

In a recent essay in The Atlantic, Memory Lane Has a Three-Way Fork, Ed Yong reports on findings by neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge. Yong writes, “We’re very used to thinking of our memory as a kind of storage vault, where bits of information are recorded and filed away for later perusal. But it’s not like that at all.”

Memory, Jong writes, “isn’t just an act of retrieval, but of reconstruction.” Memories are built from “scratch each and every time.” Yes, we may draw on information stored in the brain; but then we reconstruct our memories in the present via our thinking.

If you have ever argued with someone about the “facts” of a past event in which you both took part, now you know why: There is no “storage vault” from which either of you can access an accurate memory. Chances are, you’re both at least partially wrong.

When we form a grievance, we are certain we have the “facts” we need. But the “facts” are being reconstructed, not retrieved. Stop to think of the last time you were certain you were right, only to realize later that the “facts” you remembered were wrong.

Suppose the “facts” we remember are correct. Can we be sure we remember all the relevant facts? Can we be sure of the motives of the other party? What if not only our memories are inaccurate, but our interpretations of our memories are inaccurate as well?

Back to the 2:00 p.m. meeting with the “sarcastic” colleague. We can consider these questions: What is my purpose in holding a grievance against a colleague? Do I enjoy telling my story of victimhood? Have I been focusing on what my colleague has done to me and ignoring how I may have wronged my colleague?

If our memories are not always accurate, and if our interpretation of those inaccurate memories is selective and self-serving, is it a stretch to say many of our grievances likely are fantasies? Can anyone be certain their grievances are on solid ground?

Notice, as with my trivial case of the Curb episode, that grievances must be maintained by repetitious thinking.

When we release the bags of rocks we’ve been dragging, we may find our energy levels are elevated. We may find that our relationships are more peaceful without replaying our grievances. Job satisfaction improves. Increased levels of happiness come our way.

How helpful are our grievances? We may get the satisfaction of blaming someone else for how we feel, but is that not the booby prize?

Session 2 of Mindset Shifts U, covering Notebook 3, is in progress. We are still early in considering Meditations and new participants are welcome.

Meditations Session 2: The Joy of Missing Out

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