Meditations Session 5: If You Find Yourself in a Hole, Stop Digging
Note: We will be working with Meditations Notebooks 6 and 7 for two weeks. Next Saturday, my overview will begin with 7.63. If you feel you have fallen behind, this is a great time to catch up. Remember, too, that Meditations can be opened meaningfully in any Notebook. Our complete schedule for Meditations and the beginning of Man’s Serach for Meaning is posted in all sessions.
This week, I received an impactful lesson about 5.9. Earlier this week, John shared insightful reflections about Meditations 5.9. And then Scott closed out our week with an inspiring take on 5.11. Please take a few moments to read their wise and enriching ideas if you haven’t already.
John’s and Scott’s comments and my learning experience provide an excellent lead to considering Notebooks 6 and 7.
Related to John’s post is my recent essay on projections.
https://mindsetshifts.substack.com/p/you-cant-make-meaning-by-hating-others
My learning opportunity came on an outing with my wife. We live in a rural area. Although supermarkets are nearby, stores like Costco, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and dental or medical appointments require a long drive. We turn these trips into enjoyable all-day outings with a stop for lunch.
So, I was with my wife when she had to return to the optical shop for an issue with her first pair of progressive lens eyeglasses. She is experiencing blurred vision when not looking straight ahead.
Two opticians (neither of whom had helped her during previous visits) were working with customers; there would be a wait.
While waiting, I read emails on my phone, unaware of what my wife was observing. The optician with whom we’d be interacting was treating with indifference an elderly customer who seemed to need reassurance and help with her choices.
When my wife was called to the desk, I sat beside her. Before my wife could finish describing her problem, the optician interrupted, saying dismissively that’s normal. I told the optician, I’ve worn progressives for 25 years, and her issue is not normal. Others may come into the shop with a similar issue, but the problem is not normal. No one would wear progressives if this were normal.
I didn’t raise my voice, but I'm sure my tone matched the optician’s negativity and her scowling face.
As the optician checked the glasses' specs, I read the progressive lens brochure prominently displayed on her desk. When the specs and focal point were found to be correct, my wife was advised to return to the ophthalmologist to check the prescription.
Not satisfied, I referred to the brochure, which explained how the premium lenses’ new technology “eliminates the distortions found in other progressive lenses.” The optician’s face turned bright red. She looked like she was going to explode and said I’m feeling bullied. You will not bully me. You’re going to have to leave the store. The optician didn’t say, I’m not feeling safe, but those may have been the next words from her mouth.
Not wanting to create a scene, my wife and I decided to deal with the issue at another time in another way. We left, made the day's last stop, and drove home.
My learning opportunity continued into the night. I felt agitated, not so much from the optician but from failing to behave according to my standards. Like you, I know how to defuse customer service situations that could be contentious by tapping into my shared humanity with the other person. In this encounter, I failed.
The deeper I go with my study and practice, the more troubled I am by my failures. Blaming the other person is no longer an attractive path for me to pursue. It’s the self-blame that Marcus warns against in 5.9 that trips me up. It’s a “tragic trap,” as John observed when we don’t use these situations to learn.
5.9: Don’t give up in disgust or weariness if your ability to act consistently on the basis of right principles doesn’t consolidate into a permanent habit. After every repulse, go back, and be happy if the majority of your actions are worthy of a human being.
I was not learning. All evening, I continued to feel ill at ease for my failure. I violated the first law of holes: “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.” I was furiously digging with my thoughts as the shovel.
I woke at 3 am with intense stabbing pain in my stomach. Having experienced the mind-body connection in the past, I was not alarmed. Although I was extremely uncomfortable, I did not wake my wife because this was an existential, not a medical, emergency.
I had not attended to my state of mind all afternoon and evening, and now I was paying the price.
Action was called for. But the needed action was not an angry email to the optical shop manager or mindlessly entertaining myself until the pain passed.
There was a better way. My mental horses were out of the barn and galloping full steam ahead. I needed existential relief and quick. What I did leads us to Marcus’s advice in Notebooks 6 and 7.