How Not to Be a Jerk in 2024

Defend liberty by becoming a better person in 2024.

In 2024, finding excuses for our distressed feelings and destructive behavior will be easy.

We have all fallen into the trap of attributing our feelings and actions to external causes. It is the most natural thing in the world to say: I am angry because… I am anxious because… I am depressed because… I am not at peace because… I can’t do this because….

If a friend or loved one asks why you are so angry; your reply is not likely to be because I am choosing to be angry.

You won’t change yourself if you believe the cause of your distress is other people or circumstances.

Externalizing the causes of our emotions and actions is not worthy of a free people; it leads to the loss of internal and external freedom.

And as we tell our tedious story of who is to blame, it makes us a boring jerk. Everyone is a member of this jerk club, but we can do something about it.

You can defend liberty by becoming a better person in 2024.

I’m not recommending that you do a number on yourself. I’m not recommending that you shout down your thinking. And don’t pretend you are above all the stressors when you actually believe people and events outside yourself are the cause of your emotions and actions.

There is a better way. The better way begins with deepening our understanding of Reality.

Reality school—that’s the school that we're all enrolled in—where you’re on scholarship even though you're flunking.

Reality doesn't reward intent; it only responds to action. However good your intentions are when your heart is in the right place… doesn't count unless you do something about.—David K. Reynolds in his Audible program Constructive Living

To deepen our understanding of Reality, let’s begin with this teaching tale by Robert Addleton, as shared by David K. Reynolds in his book Thirsty: Swimming in the Lake:

Once there was a wizard who was reputed to be a great healer of neurotic suffering. People traveled from all corners of the kingdom for healing. He was quite busy, of course, and long waits were expected by those who sought him in hope of cure.

At the wizard's clinic patients were shown to a waiting room. The wait was so long that they read books, wrote letters, knitted sweaters, and cleaned out their purses while waiting.  The wizard's staff even invited the waiting patients to clean up the waiting room and office to pass the time while waiting. Brooms and mops and rags were available for that purpose.

Some of the patients noticed their neurotic complaints lessened or even went away while they were waiting to see the wizard. Others decided that their psychological aches and pains were less bothersome than the incredibly long wait. They left the waiting room and headed home having decided to live with their afflictions rather than loitering interminably.  

Other patients refused to leave and also refused the offers of reading materials and cleaning aids. They demanded to see the wizard immediately. They complained about the wait and grumbled about their neurotic symptoms to one another. They remain there still. Every once in a while a staff member informs them they must wait a little longer and offers them a broom.

What keeps us from sweeping?

Here is one big lie we tell ourselves: Tomorrow, the external circumstances I face will improve; I will feel better emotionally, and then I’ll pick up the broom.

If you wait for life’s circumstances to align before you sweep, forget it; stars never line up for long. Like the weather, circumstances change. When everything seems right, wait a moment, and something will go wrong. Those uncomfortable feelings surface again. You may feel unappreciated and beleaguered, anxious in the present, and fearful of the future. Stress seems to mount.

We often slide back into old habits when we are unhappy and stressed. We think a lot about coping with circumstances and mitigating our feelings.

The more one focuses attention on the suffering—noticing how unpleasant it is, trying to get rid of it, wishing it didn't exist, comparing the self with others who don't appear to suffer in this way, worrying about when the suffering will appear next, emphasizing other difficulties related to the suffering, complaining that the suffering is greater than is deserved and greater than can be endured, and so forth—the more one's attention is diverted from everyday tasks and responsibilities and joys.—David K. Reynolds, Water, Snow, Water: Constructive Living for Mental Health

We are confused about what produces happiness, so we don't pick up our broom. We keep waiting for the wizard.