About Time, Session 6: Are We Here to Get What We Want?
Do you tend to blame other people and circumstances, or do you reflect on what action is needed?
Burkeman challenges us to consider whether we appreciate this moment—and not because it leads to something else. How can we appreciate our life if we can’t appreciate this moment?
The final approach to the summit of Mt. Garfield in the White Mountains of New Hampshire is a steep, rocky scramble. As often is the case, it is easier to scramble up than down a rock face. A few years ago, a young couple was making their way down as we were making our way up. The woman was clearly new to hiking. She very tentatively picked her way down the rocky slope; she was frightened. She gently called out to her partner, “Andrew, please don't get too far ahead of me. I need to be able to see where you are stepping.”
I sensed something very interesting about this young woman. She was frightened but did not allow her fear to influence her enjoyment of the situation. Sometimes, I encounter couples whose thoughts I can almost hear: One will be thinking I am so miserable. This is the last time I’m doing this with you! The young woman on the trail was not choosing misery. She was frightened and enjoying the outing.
We don’t have to resist our emotions. You already know the spoiler alert: We don’t have to magically transcend our emotion; we can’t. She felt fear and asked for help. She was responsive to the situation because she didn’t sink into her emotions.
Now, that may not sound remarkable, but it is. It seemed to me that the young woman was struggling yet not adding a story to her tough time. She wasn’t thinking, I hate hiking. I have better things to do with my time. She wasn’t thinking, Andrew is such a jerk for taking me here. She wasn’t thinking, Why is this so hard for me? What's wrong with me? When we don’t add a story to an emotional experience, we simply allow it to be.
What habit of mind pops up for you when things go wrong? Do you tend to blame other people and circumstances, or do you reflect on what action is needed?
Safety required the young woman’s full mental presence. I wonder what she experienced when the challenging descent was behind her? I want to think that because she was present, the couple enjoyed the rest of their hike together and looked forward to their next adventure.
Burkeman quotes Thomas Wolfe: “We are the sum of all the moments of our lives, all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape it or conceal it.” Burkeman adds, “If we’re going to show up for, and thus find some enjoyment in, our brief time on the planet, we had better show up for it now.”
Recall Seneca’s challenge from our study of On Anger. At the end of each day, he’d have us ask ourselves, “Which of your ills did you heal today? Which vice did you resist? In what aspect are you better?”
